Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
