Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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