I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
