Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
