There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
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Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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