My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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