Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
