I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Pooping to opera.
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