Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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