And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
