come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
