I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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