How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
