I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Two words: blizzard sex
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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