i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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