I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
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The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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