a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
