JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
