well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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