That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
