I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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