Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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