so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
