I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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