my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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