I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
