I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just tell him i said nine months
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
