I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Houston, we have a squirter
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
