So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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