So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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