so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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