If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
