Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
