I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
