I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
drinking out of a sandbucket again
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
