i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
