I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
