did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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