I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
