we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
