someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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