My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
