my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
