I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
