Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
