you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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