i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
