Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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