My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
