My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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