There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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