I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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