apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
