if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
