meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love you. Go after that dick
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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